Last day of 2008

Started it bad, but the ending seems good. Is getting better each day. It will be a good year next year.

I was at the bottom, the end of the world when she left. I've been thru time like in hell, with no sense of direction, goal & meaning of life. I lost my pride, my confidence, my stability, lost control even of myself, or I should said I don't bother. I'm there to destroy myself & her. Than when is time to wake up. I stand up, stand firm, stand strong than nobody expected it to be so soon. Well you just need to turn all negative field to positive energy.

Revamp my life, my living space, my job.

Few friends to thank: DS, JW, HP, BT, JT, ET, EL.
Of course not forgetting my family members.
Those visited me when I'm not well.
Without all these people, I won't be where I am now. I love you all.

You are the reason I'm strong & well now. For everybody who cares, I will be good, I will live well. I really cherish what I have now.

Happy New Year to everybody I know, Have a Good Year Ahead.

25/12/2008 X'mas

A better tomorrow, a better coming year.

放开是真功夫，看开是真智慧。

Merry X'Mas & Happy Birthday

Ya I'm 36 today. Feel good, look good, live good. Thanks.

This is the gift exchange present I've got during B hse party. A nice choc fondue set. Am going to try using it soon. We had a good time. Friends gathered around to talk, eat, drink, than some mj, 1 do face mask, some watch tv. Oh not forgetting baby Aldrich= 小老鼠，while me the 老老鼠.

I'm qutie at ease with my day. No expection, no disappointment, no unhappiness. I'm happy with my present. Well wishes from friends. B- Thanks for the party invitation. Is a cozy night.

Now I will laze around for a bit than decide. Is b/d, no working ok.

Lost & found/Gained

There are some friends, I once lost them, but have found them back again.
There are some friendship, I once lost them, but have gained them back again.

I went dinner with both E. We chatted. I'm glad that I'm able to tell her, to show her how good, how well I am progressing. Most important of all, I have another friend again.

But I did not manage to say I'm sorry for the past. I did not say thanks to her for the past as well. But I know I'll have the chance to do so in future.

Thanks for the chance, for the friendship again.

I'll be happy on my b/d even if I'm alone cos I know I have so many friends in my life now.
I have the greatest gift of my life- Friendship.
I don't have any expectation, than when all the good things happen, is a plus, bonus.

BBQ

We had a bbq, it was E b/d as well. As for me, an early & pre-celebration cos I know on my b/d, all my friends here will be busy having their own program. Well who ask me to be born on X'mas day.

I used to have lots of expectation on my b/d cos is a special day. If I'm attach, I want my gf to be by my side, I expect her to be by my side. Also becos my ex-es spoilt & pampered me in the past. So last year when she actually had other plan with friends & colleagues w/o me, I was so angry, so unhappy. We had a row, we quarrel over it. What it suppose to be a festive season & happy occassion turns ugly. Becos of expectation towards a partner.

This year, in the beginning, I did not think or believe I'll be happy on my b/d cos she's gone. But than this few months down the road, I'm a happier person even if I'm alone. Becos I have no more expectation on anybody. If I've got no program, I'll either work or stay home to rest. If I'm invited to friends party, than is a plus.

The bbq was such enjoyable moment for everybody. The poolside ambience was good. Eat, drink, talk. What can be better than it? Thanks for everybody who attended it. You have given E & I a very pleasant, happy & fun night. Cheers to all friends.

Photos

C sent me the photos. I forwarded it to S as well. It was taken in July 2007. Now all 3 had taken a different path in life. J is with God now. S I don't know. L, life had never been better.

Saw the smile on S face. I never realise that it was so sweet at that time.

Saw the chubby face on L. I never knew I was so fat. I look much better now. Slim down but healthy.

Saw J smile. I need to try to remember it cos I'll never see it again.

I thank God for everything that had happened, the people that comes & go in my life. I believe they happen for a reason.

Fight like a Warrior, Not a Lunatic

Have been lazy lately.

A monthly appointment with my therapist today. She's please with my progress. I'm doing well, doing fine. Living a wonderful life. Enjoying my days.

On J b/d. Met some old friends. Have such good, fun time drinking together. I'm not the least affected by the fact that S was not there becos of me. I/we don't lose out anything. I/We have fun with or w/o her.

Past: Everytime when it rain, I worried for S. Is she drench? Is she cold? How she get from place to place.
Now: I already forgotten to worry for S. Whenever it rain, I only think of where can I go to get more pick up or oncall.

I'm glad with how am I progressing. I'm proud of how I carried myself in front of people. Few months back, I still worried how am I going to face X'mas & my b/d. I don't think I'll be happy. But right now, I know, even if I'm w/o any program, I'll still be happy. Well, I have plans. Good Cheer. Than NY count down, I plan to fly HK,meet friends there & celebrate but still not confirm.

I'm living a better & happier life now. I'm fighting like a warrior, not a lunatic. I treasure my friends very much now. I once lost them when I lost myself. They left me alone when I acted like a lunatic. But they are with me, by my side now becos I'm a warrior. I fight my fear, my weakness like a warrior. I've been thru the darkest moment in my life, so I enjoy & treasure the lights & colours in my life now. Is not easy to come by, to achieve.

Friends, thanks a lot.

I'm reborn at 36. Is not too late. I have taken a big step ahead. I chose to walk out from darkness, from fear, from weakness. I chose to be happy, cherish what I have now. Even when I'm alone, I chose to retreat to my cosy corner & enjoy the serenity I have. Don't believe me, come take a look at my room, you will understand.

幸福

自己觉得的幸福不是幸福，让幸福的人幸福才是幸福。
真正的幸福是带给人幸福。
让喜欢的人满足，就是幸福。

Fond Memory Of Julian (11/08/1980 - 06/11/2008)

I attended his memorial service yesterday night. At Chen-Li Presbyterian Church 8pm.

I knew him only a year ago thru this friend of mine Charlene in Shanghai. Still remember it was July 2007. We went dinner & clubing. I always remember he's such a friendly, cute & funny fellow. With him around there's always jokes & laughters. I'll never forget at this club in Shanghai "Pink House". I saw him wearing a wig, he was talking to us thru this beads curtain, than he suddenly said: Hey do I look glam? We saw him putting his head between those beads curtain pretend that is his dress up decor or accessories. We were laughing. He told us he'll be moving to HK soon. He gave me his Hp happily & said to meet up when he's back S'pore or when I'm in HK.
Whenever I meet up with Charlene I'll never failed to ask her about Julian. The last time when I went Shanghai in May 2008, Charlene told me he was in HK. Than when Charlene came back S'pore in Sept 2008, I asked her about Julian again. I got bad news that she heard from friends that Julian is sick, very sick, lost a lot of weights & he refused to see any of the friends. We were still talking about trying to find out more info about him.
Than yesterday Charlene sms me to check the english papers. Julian had passed away. My mind went blank. After searching thru the papers & finally saw the obituries, with thousands & millions of unwillingness, I've got to accept the fact & reply my friends to confirm the news. I believe is even harder for them to accept it compare to me. They have known each other longer & closer to each other.

The memorial service at this church: Chen-Li Presbyterian Church. My Mind went blank again. Chen-Li, why Chen-Li. Don't tell me he's from Chen-Li. Likely he is & his family as well. I tried hard to run thru my memories when I was a fellow in Chen-Li. I don't remember him. Maybe he's in the english service while I'm the chinese. Maybe he came in after I left. Maybe I do see him or know him but just don't remember, can't recall or no impression...
I have spent my youth in this church. I have lots of happy time there, as well as hurt. I left the church somewhere in yr 1990. Julian was only 10. Too young for me to know him. If I had stayed longer, maybe things will be totally different now. I maybe weeping over the lost of him by now.
Ok I'm attending the memorial service. Will I see any people I know? Or I'll sit quietly & alone in a corner cos I know nobody? I'm in no mood to work for the day. Julian keeps coming to my mind. The funny face, the jokes, the dinner, the club... To a certain extend, is affecting me & my mood.

Was just in time for the memorial service. It was crowded with lots of people. The hall is already totally filled up. People are still coming in. I had to stand near the entrance, beside the staircase throughout the service. Among them, I knew most of them. Thru them, my friends in church, I knew more about him. He's the Sunday school student of my friends. They have practically watched him grow from young. I can see the sadness on their face. Than I found out more about him & his family. I knew his aunt, a senior in the church when I was there. All my church friends knew him & his family cos they are close church fellows.
They are very surprise to see me. To them I'm not suppose to know him since I left so early. But fate had brought us to know each other thru friends, in different time, different place & his death had brought me back to the this place= Chen-Li.
I told my friends, we should start to meet up more often. Not necessary any occassion. Today becos the lost of him, we get to see each other again. If I can choose, I'd rather not had this chance at all to meet up with all of you.

S knew him as well. We knew him together in Shanghai. If not for S, I won't be in Shanghai, than I won't know him. S- I thank you for have given me the chance to know Julian. Is a short encounter, but deep enough to remember him dearly.
When I knew about his passed on, immediately I think of S. Was wondering to inform her or not? Than how to get hold of her? I must careful not to frighten her again. I knew how to get hold of her, but should I? No, I decided to call ET & thru her pass the msg to S. As friend of Julian, she need & deserve to know the news. Whether to attend his memorial service, is up to her to decide. I have done my part. I'm glad I did not frighten or stir up much fear when I called ET. But sorry to let her felt uneasy after knowing the bad news.

I felt like drinking. So after the service, I meet up with E to have a quick drink. I'm upset, I'm sad. I felt worst after the service. Especially when they are showing footage of his life. I went out to take a walk. Around the premises, trying to recall those days when we are in this church. Saw another friend outside waiting for the parents. He too had many memories there.

If not for Julian, I'll never step into this church again & I don't think I'll get to see so many of my friends again. What make me felt so sad & bad is the reason that I'm there. The lost of a friend to me & many others, lost of a son to his parent, lost of a brother to his sister, forever. But thru his diary during his sister sharing, I knew he had found peace within before he passed away. He's with God now & may God bless his family thru this difficult time.

I woke up feeling good, but hit by this bad news thus making it a lousy day ending with me drinking. E, thanks for accompanying me. What you didn't know & see was my tears after I sent you home. So I'm taking a break again today. I really need to adjust back my body clock to a bit normal. Keep having mouth ulcer when I stay up late night.

So Near

Lady: You go Yew Tee? I want to go Yew Tee, CCK crescent.
L: Sure, ok.(my heart felt a twist)

Throughout the journey I wonder the lady stay which blk. Anyway is very near her place. This is the 1st time I'm going so near her place. I travel the route I sometimes used when we were going back her place in the past.

Before the turn.
L: Which blk you going?
Lady: Blk684D.

As I drove along the way after Yew Tee mrt, somehow I was looking around, hoping to see her walking home. But I know I'm not that lucky. As usual, I will not hang around, I plan after dropping passenger I'll leave straight & go back town for another pickup. Than in the carpark, after the lady got down, this guy flag for me before I can reverse out of the carpark.

Guy: Uncle, I want to go Siglap centre.
L: Ok. (my heart= WOW, hahaha)

My luck was sxxks the whole day till that moment. Afterall I'm still a lucky person.

Worried

I'm worried for friend J who is in BKK now. Heard situation there not very stable. J did not give me the detail of her arrival. How am I suppose to go fetch her from airport?

Well I have done up my room. There's so much laundry to be done as well. But I'm glad I've got a nice & cozy place to rest at the end of a tired day. I was sick on the 1st day I shifted home. But am better now.

J- please come back soon. My business was sxxk when you not around. I need your magic sit. Hahahaha...

Revamp...

My room: Clean it, paint it, refurnish it.
My life: Just like my blog title= Waking up, growing up & moving on.


From total lost, I'm finding my pace in life back slowly again. Enjoy life being alone. Enjoy my work. Enjoy when out with friends eating or drinking. Enjoy my sleep after a tired day. Enjoy the serenity when I'm not doing anything & within myself.


I am going to be very busy next few days. Shifting back home, packing & unpacking. I'm so glad Shan was there to help. Is going to be a very cosy place & I'm sure she will enjoy coming my place to accompany me when we are free. Not forgetting E.

When we are clearing stuff in the room, so many things from past surface from no where. Some was funny, some was amazing, some was stupid, some was sad. But most of it brought back happy memory. I don't know why I kept it for so many years. So I make the decision to discard it since I'm really going to start my life new. They are in my memory, I don't need anything to remind me of those past. I really need more room space to be exact.

I believe in Karma. 命里有时终须有，命中无时莫强求. Use your heart & treat people with sincerity, you will never be lonely.

Old Man & Young Man

Old man: age 50 (+/- 5)
Young man: age 20 (+/- 2)

1st impression: I thought they are father & son. They are not local. Father came to visit the son who is studying here. Father love the son very much. I saw him kissing the boy on the cheek.

Than the conversation don't seem right.

Old man: You've got small hand. Your hand is so small like a small boy hand. (I'm wondering are they holding hand)

Old man: If your parent want to send you oversea, don't go Pxxth.......... (continue his point of view).... anyway is not me who is paying for it, is your dad & mum, I'm just sharing my point of view with you.

That's when I realise they are not father & son. Than why is he kissing the boy & the boy allow it.

Upon reaaching the SxM, I saw old man kissed the boy again on his shoulder. I took a good look after they alighted. Old man was wearing red t-shirt with jeans & green color track shoe. Young boy was actually quite good looking.

??? What's going on between them?

My back start to ache quite badly recently. I remember S used to have such problem. I can fully understand how she felt in the past. I remember I used to massage for her as well & the funny noise she will make.

Hopefully by next weekend I'll be back to my new room. A new room, a new start. Actually I already started it new some time back. Just keep moving ahead only. Like my drink JW black slogan: Keep walking hahaha...

Roller Coaster Again

Remember there was once Korean passenger going SMC.

Korean: Can you take me to Swissotel...(abt 10sec)... Stamford.
My heart wave like roller coster.

Today the same incident happened again. Is Korean passenger again.

Korean: Can you take me to Swissotel.
Me: Swissotel...
Korean: Ya Swissotel... Oh Stamford.

My heart wave gone thru the roller coaster feeling again but not as strong as the last time.

I always believe in facing my fear, my phobia, my weakest link. When you face it, you will learn to overcome it, or even immune to it. Than it will no longer be a problem anymore. That's why I also decide to go home, back to the room.

Had a good time drinking with friends last night after a week of no drinking. I miss "my lover" so much. We all had a very enjoyable night. Than good sleep after the drink.

Words of Comfort & Encouragement

That's what's keeping me going strong & fine. You had no idea how important those words mean to me & I really appreciate it so much. Especially from you- J. Thanks.

I know you are someone who don't sweet talk, said only nice thing to people. You are a person with character & principle. So I know I'm heading the right path. I believe in fate. To meet or not, to be friend or not, let fate decide. As far as I know, I'm concern now, I want everybody to be happy. I want you to be happy as well. I can see that you are happy.

The night soul is going to start work later. We plan to clear & clean the room tonight. Than next Sunday we'll paint the room. Can start shopping for furniture anytime next week & arrange for delivery the week after next. I tried doing it alone this afternoon, but I felt so tired. I'm still more energetic in the night but not too late night... haiz... I'm old.

I Wish I'm Home... ASAP

Think I'm going to get it done by month end instead 1 month. Once I paint the room, new floor mat done, I can be back. Yeah..... As for the furniture, can wait lah... Home sweet home, no is room sweet room.

My therapist is saying I'm progressing well. She's happy for me. But will monitor my drinking habit.

Should I write a mail to ET?

This is what happen: I called her once at late night. She was worried after receiving my call. Suspecting I'm not feeling ok again. Maybe I'll start disturbing people again.
I was feeling kind of down & sad at that moment when I called her. Just feel like talking to someone but had no idea who to call. Than ET came to my mind. She had a calming effect on me. I know when she treats you like a friend, she's really wonderful. That's how she make me feel. Not like some people, so fake & scheming.
I really felt sorry for causing unnucessary worried towards her. So I was thinking of dropping her a mail. What do you think?(You should also know who you are hor my friend. Give me some advice) hahaha

I'm Fine

Don't worried, I'm feeling fine. I just want my friends, those who care for me to know how am I taking it now.

Maybe I'm feeling a little bit down, a little bit affected by it, a little bit upset by it, but overall I'm taking it fine. They make me stronger & a better person. I'm not going to or let my emotion carry me away too much.

You beat me once, doesn't mean I'll keep losing. Time can prove or tell whether I am a loser or winner. Time can even prove or tell whether I have changed for a better or worst. Come to think about it, when I stand up from the failure, I actually became a winner.

To my friends: You have seen me up & down, good & bad, positive & negative. There was a time that you were not there because I'm not thinking right, behaving right. Right now I'm glad that you are back. I'm sure you are happy for me because I'm walking out of the shadow & darkness. I'm not a loner, I will not be lonely now when I don't feel good cause I know I have you, my friend, as long as I'm walking the right path ahead. You will be with me. Likewise I'll do the same for you. I'll be there for you whenever you need me.

Is time to go for my appointment again. EL was so sweet. She knew I had missed my last appointment due to being forgetful & so engross in my work. She wrote a note & placed it in my cab door handle yesterday. So everytime when I open or close the door, even when I'm driving, this note will remind me of my appointment. She will give me a morning call to make sure I make it for the appointment tomorrow. Thanks.

As for J, get well soon. Don't worried, I'm ok. How can I not be ok when you are there for me. You so "wang" me heeheehee... Thanks, for the advice at times when I'm not sure what to do.

I'm going to be very busy next few weeks.

Drinking...

I think I've been drinking too often & too much for the past 1 week. My knee is aching, I'm feeling kind of little down. Is time to stop & take a break from alcohol till maybe next week.

Sometimes is not about drinking, I just want to have some companionship.

My niece is not looking forward to her b/d, I wonder why? Than I remember last year she celebrated at Good Cheer, her 18, I was still with S. My cousin was not feeling good that night. This year, S is not around anymore, so I guess I'm not feeling good but my cousin is happy now. Who knows, maybe next year, we both are happy hahaha...

Is weekend, is time for me to stay sober, so I can drive those drunk home & charge them(plus midnight 50% is the best).

I'm not going to let anybody to have the chance to bad mouth me anymore nor take advantage of my weakness to act tough. I admit & agreed that what I've done was a mistake. Because of anger, pride, ego, I have lost my mind. Because I love her, I'm afraid to lose her. Because she's so important to me, that I value her more than my own life. Eventually I made all the mistake while trying to keep her by my side. Come to think about it I was really acting very immature at that time. But when I'm with friends, when they are in trouble, whether it involve me or not, I will never lost control. So the conclusion is I'm a better friend than a partner.

Now I still have my ego & pride but not anger anymore. Because of the ego & pride, I am who I am now. The force is keeping me cool & calm because I keep reminding myself, don't disgrace myself again. Don't give others the chance to criticize you again. Never let people look down on you because you are so weak. No ways I'll give you the opportunity to take advantage of me or situation if I, when I make a mistake. Wait long, long.

Ego & pride is a good thing. But never plus anger. Worst if you mix it with alcohol. Anger + alcohol = Total destruction.

I make mistake before doesn't mean I'll continue the mistake for the rest of my life. But I can't guarantee that I'll not make mistake again. We are just human being, we are not perfect, we can't be perfect. But I know, I can guarantee I'll not repeat the same mistake again.

Whoever you are, whatever role you play(friend or "friend") during the time when I make a mistake, when I was weak. Thank you. I am who I am now because of you. I just need time, & I can, I'll definitely be a better person, having a better life.

Another Bad dream, Worst, Nightmare...

I woke up feeling lousy, kind of depress, sad, lost... Than I go to work. It was a rainny day, so business was ok. Moreover I've got to stop early to have dinner with my brother at Sis place.

My brother going for oversea posting tomorrow. Will be back 3 months later, than if he feels ok about it he will be there for another year. He told me there still vacancies in the company, do i want to join him. I told him to tell me more when he's back & I'll decide. Right now, concentrate on driving my taxi 1st.

I can feel the effect of alcohol reacting in my body on the negative way. Think I'm drinking too much already. Must cut down or control the intake. My knee is aching, I'm feeling a bit down. But I just don't feel like going back early, do nothing & watch TV. Of course I can keep driving, bringing more income, but is the emptiness & loneliness that I can't bear. I'm still going back to nobody after a tired day of work. I must learn to cope with it.

I wanted to call her badly, but I know I can't. I just don't want, or can't bear to frighten her again.

I have this silly thought, maybe she will only see me again when I'm very sick. Than I wish I'm sick. Hahaha...

2 Good & 1 Bad= Still a Dream

Went drinking w EL, we finish half the bottle of JW black. What can be better than spending a pleasant time with friend, having drinks. A total K.O when home.

But I had dreams. All disrupted by phone calls in the end. Still... at least I have been sleeping.

Maintaining my IQ & EQ well now a days.

I still don't believe in avoiding or running away from things(eg phobia, weakest link, fear). I choose to face it & learn how to control or handle it. I'll never be a loser nor weakling anymore.

Fatso

A oncall passenger alighted at Novena 2, than this fatso boarded just round the corner going AxK st41. Before he got down I saw him pick up a hp from the seat, thought he drop it. Than got a call from CS next morning, passenger alighted at N2 left the hp behind. Told her I found nothing after work. Felt sorry for the gentleman. If I have spotted it, he will be able to get it back. Just his luck.

Formula 1

Business was soooo good. Wonder she got time to go watch the F1?

She should be very busy today. I can imagine she look beautiful today, just like the day when her sister got married. Is a pity that I didn't manage to get a copy of the photos taken that day.

Busy is good. Makes me tired. But the jam is terrible.

Went drinking with J, Jn & Z the other day. Z looks different from the last time I saw her. I'm glad to know Z. Had a enjoyable night.

创造远比毁灭好。

Chinatown

Whenever I walk pass the wooden bridge that link the carpark & food center, I always remember she don't like walking it caused she think is scary. But I always like to disturb her when we walk pass by jumping on the wooden platform.

Is a matter of heart & determination for every path takes.

Do not cry for what you have lost, be happy for what you once possessed.

I'm a person with IQ & EQ, as I said, I'm strike off balance. Maybe I'm better as friend than partner.

E T- Thanks. Your name had a magic on me. Tends to bring a calming effect on me.
S- 只要你过得比我好，什么事都难不倒我，一直到老。

I hope one day S will remember.

If others can do it, I can as well.

绿光森林

我其实没有不让他自由，我只是捨不得。
应该是说还没习惯，一直在我心里最珍贵的，现在就要属于别人。
不过既然是我心里最珍贵的，就应该让他得到最好的幸福。

当过去的一切决定尘封，能够打开的就只有将来。

From Lingo

爱情当然很重要，但友情是远一点的，你会发现保持友情比保持爱情容易。巧妙之处是当你将所爱的人变成亲人的话，你会很容易过分要求。所以中国人有一句话叫‘相敬如宾’，与爱人保持小小的距离便能像包着保鲜纸一样历久常新。
通常越爱一个人便越想拥有他，但要明白，要拥有必须要放开；保持一段爱情，一定要将他放得最松，他才会贴得你最紧；问得最少，他才会对你讲得最多。

No doubt, romantic love is very important, but it is also a little more than in-your-face than friendship. Hence, you'll find that it is easier to keep friendships than romantic love. The interesting part is: when someone you love becomes someone very intimate in your life, you tend to demand things that are out of line, and take them for granted-- you would only say the least courteous things to them. That's why the Chinese has a saying: 'To respect your loved one as if they were your guests.'
To love someone from a respectful distance is like somewhat like wrapping your relationship in a Seran wrap, keeping your love afresh. The more you love someone, the more you would want ot possess them, but you must understand that in order to hold, you must learn t let go. In love, one must relax one's clutches, in order for your love to stick closer to you. When you ask less, they will open up and tell you even more.

Z Is Back For Good

Heard that Z is back for good. Knew that she had met up with Z. I'm happy for her. When her life was so lost & unhappy, someone who can cheer her up appear. Timing was just right.

Is the same for me. My friend will also happened to call me when I was not feeling good. They are back to my side now.

I will not do anything to frighten her again. I will not do anything to jeopardize her healing process. I hope I can be friend with her again just like Z & her.

I don't believe in running away or staying away from my fear, my weakest link. I will face it & know how to control it or handle it. Like now... I open myself to news & places & people about her. I'm glad that I have been so far so good about it.

Temptation is good. I hope one day you will understand, you will know what I have done for you. How much I have done for you. Not asking for anything back but for you to be happy only.

I believe eventually when I'm over you. When I can find someone else, that girl will be very happy & fortunate caused I will love her the correct way protect her in the right way. I will make sure I stand strong & firm. Never let jealousy to strike me off balance again. Never let anger rule my mind again. Never let insecureness overcome my life.

Trust & respect my partner.

I will never do anything to hurt you again or that will hurt you again. Because I know what is love & how to love now.

Slack

Slack- for the past 1 week. That shouldn't be the way.

Temptation everywhere... Must control myself...

Korean passenger oncall from IBP: Can you take me to SWISSOTEL... ... ... (thinking for a while) THE STAMFORD. Thanks You.
L: Ok, sure no problem. (My heart had actually gone thru a roller coster race)

I'm meeting up with friends again. I will not be a disgrace anymore. I will be who I am when they 1st know me.
I will enjoy my life.
Cheers...

Thanks

Hey, friends- J & EL: Thanks.

You are there when I was not feeling too good the past few days. Especially J, I appreciate your frankness.

I know why you are not there few months back, but you are here with me now. Is was my attitude, behaviour, thinking, action that have drove friends away.
I'm glad they are back now because they know they are not wasting time & effort to accompany me when I was down.
They know I'm not being rational, moreover stubborn during that time. So they stay away from me.
Now they can see I'm trying hard, putting effort to live positively. Most important, I don't have any nonsense.
The more I'm put into temptation, the more I can prove I love her.

Told them, I don't need to know anything about her as long as she's happy.
But I wish when she's not, let me know, I hope. Not that I will disturb her again, but out of concern for her.

I'm glad I have friends like them.

Of course, not forgetting my family. They are the best.

Please understand that I will feel not too good at times. But I can manage it.

To my friend, D- Be strong, I will be there for you just like how you was there for me in the past.

Is time for me to be back to what I'm suppose to be- mature, stable, rational, understanding, funny & strong.
Is time for me to be there for my friends & family when they need me.

I believe what goes around, comes around.

Nobody Love You More Than I Do

I dare to say that. I maybe the worst partner you ever had in your life, but I'm also the one who love you the most in your life. Nobody love you more than I do.

I used to love you in a wrong way, but I love you, no doubt.

Now I know how to love in a right way, I still love you, no regrets.

Is not easy for me to love you in the right way, but I'm doing it for you now. Because I was once the worst & gradually learn how how to love you now. It takes more effort, heart, feeling, pain, hurt, strength, struggle than anybody else.

I just hope you will & you still remember I once brought you smile on your face, happiness in your life when you are smiling & feeling the happiness with someone else now.
When you feel secure with someone but not me, please remember I once gave you this secureness when you are with me & I take care, protected you wholeheartedly.

I'm going to be the mature, stable Louise again.
I was once strike off balance & mind. I tell myself is not going to happen again.

You can stop loving me, you can don't love me anymore.
But you can't stop me from loving you.

I love you, even if is from a distance.
I love you, even if I know you are with someone else.
I love you, even if you are loving someone now.
I love you, even if is going to feel hurt.
I love you, so I'm not changing my will.

Thanks for loving me before.
Thanks for choosing me before.
Thanks for caring me before.
Thanks for taking care of me before.
Thanks for the everything you have given me before.

I will always love you.

难得。。。

难得的是，能握住你的手。
更难得的是，如何放手。

后来，我总算学会了如何去爱。
可惜你早已远去，消失在人海。
后来，终于在眼泪中明白，有些人一但错过就不再。

你让我对爱有了新的领悟，而我将这份领悟运用在你身上。

"Char Shao Mien"

"Char Shao Mien" (Wanton Noodle) that how she call it.

After dropping a passenger at CCK, I drove pass this coffee shop in Teck Whye, I remember once we went there for dinner. I ordered the wanton noodle. To me it doesn't really taste that bad, but she took some from me & said is no good. But I finish it. So she commended: 你是一个很容易照顾的人，你不挑食。

Actually I'm not a person that's easy to handle, I'm a very insecure person. I get paranoid easily. Afraid of losing, I tried to grab it tight & hard. I ended up losing her totally.

If I could turn back the clock, I wish I had never given her such horrible memory. If I were to be given a wish, I wish for her happiness.

Forgetful

I missed my CGH appointment. Next available slot in Oct. Well I'm feeling fine, so it doesn't really matter.

I'm not too busy but just feeling tired. Many places I travelled to brought me memories.

The wet, rainy weather always worried me. Wonder how she travel from place to place? Will she get drench? I pray for her health all the time, every time.

I washed one of my favourite white pans that day. Realising I was not able to remove the stain. I remember there was once I wore it to work when I was still a SO. After inspection, it almost turn black pans. She took the effort to scrub & wash it for me by hands. I was amazed by her cleaning skill cos it look new to me again.

My memories was failing me at times, but I remember most of my time with her. Her gentleness, kindness, loveliness...

I'm glad that I still have so many friends around. C coming back from Shanghai on 27/09.

A Pleasant Night

I had an enjoyable night with friends. Dinner & all the talks, jokes, crabs.... etc

They are happy for me when they see me leading a peaceful life. They believe I have found my passion in life again.

Told them I've got a complaint letter. Take it easy, they are idiot. Why waste energy getting angry with an idiot.

Is always a good feeling knowing someone still care for you & still treats you like part of the family. :)

Is happy to be able to lead life with passion for work, having fun with friends, quality time with family... But someone is missing in my life...

缘分

缘分是很玄妙的。即无法强求也无法强留。
缘分要来的时候，挡也挡不了。
缘分到了尽头，留也留不住。
随缘吧。。。

Costa Sand Resort U13

Family gathering at T01. I remember I came here with her. Her aunt booked a chalet for the 1st time & I drove them there with all the barang barang. It was her family gathering. I was there just like part of the family, helping out, having fun. I remember the journey there, we met with heavy rain. I was still driving the Hyundai lorry GZ574R. All passenger behind was drenched. I felt so bad for them.

I took a day off today after so long. I'll work hard to cover back the lost tomorrow.

Slowly I'm getting rid of the rubbish in my Ubi room. Still more to go. I'm going to make it a cozy place to rest but not to stay.

I saw her online on Fridae.

害怕

L: The things you scared or afraid of, the more you don't want me to do it, the more I'll do it to you.
S: 那我很怕你不会离开我。。。
L: Hah... (喃喃自语）你越怕痒，我越要tickle你，你越怕我不会离开你，我就越不会离开你。。。
结果S的害怕成真。。。

Probability

What's the probability of picking the same passenger as a cab driver?
What's the probability for the passenger taking the same cab by the same driver?

I pick up this guy passenger twice almost the same place, on different time, different day.
Today, I've got a on-call assignment, picking up a lady. She took my cab few days back.

Probability: Quality of being probable(likely to happen or to prove true or correct).

I never believe in waiting in queue at airport. But the msg send to us that T3 in high demand prompt me to try my luck. Surely enough, there wasn't any cab queueing & passenger are in queue. I pick up this Chinese China Nation guy to Scotts Rd. He was from Shanghai. I was there with her before.

Than I pick up 3 lady from PS, they are talking about going to SMC for the buffet dinner tomorrow.

So many things will remind me of her that I wonder is there, will there be anything, any moment that she came across that will remind her of me?

I'm sure she wish I'm fine & I will be happy. I want you to know that I'm fine & I will be happy. At least I can say that I'm enjoying my life now. I can sleep, I can eat, I'm healthy. Yes, I still miss you. Your smile & happiness still matters a lot to me.

I'm Still Feeling Happy

I drop a passenger at Upp Circular Rd than I make a U-turn to SMC to queue cos there's no other cab there. Than I pick up 2 guys(think is her colleague) to Sin Min Rd.

Is been raining for most of the days... Good business for me.

Will be having 2 gathering next month. 1 friends & 1 family. Also my doctor appointment.

YUCKS...

Sxxt, is dog pooooo... I step on it... but think about... 踩到‘黄金’。。。明天要记得买马票。。。嘻嘻嘻。。。

I'm happy today. Happy that I know I still had the friendship with them.

Today is my lucky day. I saw her on MSN. My status set to appear offline. I'm not going to disturb her, frighten her by sending her msg. I just hope she's happy, she's healthy, she's fine.

Told my friend E today, I'm not hoping that she will remember me when she need someone by her side. I hope whenever she need someone, there will be someone by her side, & that someone will be the person she wishes her/him to be by her side.

能健康的活在世界上就是一种享受，一种幸福。所以我从不曾间断的祈求她身体健康，平安，然后快乐。她的笑对我很重要。

The greatest contribution I had given her in her life is- I'm the worst partner she ever had in her life. Which I see it as a good thing now cos I'M THE WORST. Who can be even more worst than me= NOBODY. So I know she will meet a better person, get a better life. If I'm not the worst, I'll be worried that she will meet someone worst.

宝贝，晚安，good night, sweet dream.

知不知道

不知道该不该知道。。。不知道又很想知道。。。知道了。。。很多时候却又希望不知道。。。

I'd be lying if I say I don't miss her, I don't think about the past.

I really pick up a friend as passenger today at Far East Plaza taxi stand.

Birthday Party

Is BT b/d on 24/08.

Than cousin J on 25/08.

Follow by niece S on 12/10.

Finally my on 25/12.

But... I don't know how to face my b/d.

Fire Works Again

Was at BT house for her b/d party. Than from her place we can see the fire work vividly. I wish she's here with me. If she's there watching, I wish I'm there with her. I can only wish for a lot of things now.

What's the probability of picking up the same passenger almost the same location in different time, on 2 consecutively different day? Well, I've done that today. Not pre-arrange, just happen that I drove pass. He was surprise to see me as well. He maybe my regular customer in future. So what's the probability of me meeting her again?

Had a good time catching up with friends at BT place. I should do that more often.

'Ouch'... It Hurts... Is still painful

Was driving on the road near PS when the fire works started around 8plus. I can see it when during a traffic stop. Is beautiful, it bring pain my memories of watching fire works with her.

In the lorry, stopping by the road side of Padang. Sitting at MS staircase oppsite Esplanade. Standing at the road side near the 1 Raffles construction site. Standing at the park in front Padang. In the room of STS. Upstair the temple at Geylang Grandma place. 'Top of the M' at Mandarin Hotel.

I wonder if she's watching it? If she does, we are watching it together under the same sky. And I'm thinking of you...

I continue to drive, I did not try to put you away from my thoughts. I'd rather keep thinking of the happy moment that brings a smile onto my face that brighten my days, than to be reminded of the sadness that you have left. But there was a moment, my heart really feels a twist...

It was the early midnight. I'm tired, not knowing to end my driving day or not. I keep thinking this is the last passenger than I'm going home. But along the way when I saw their hailing hand, I'll just stop. Eventually this lady boarded & going to location near home. Guess the passenger had given me the sign that is time to call it a day.

Dinner at 2am. Sleep at 3am. Wake up at 10am. Likely will start work again at 12pm till is time to attend Betty's b/d party at maybe 7pm. Than continue again after the party... maybe yes? maybe not? Depend...

人生需要的多，还是想要的多？
人往往就是这样，不懂得珍惜身边所有一切，等失去时，才觉得可惜。
做人做事要学会心甘情愿，才不会太多后悔。

1st Car Servicing

From the day I collected my cab on 15/08/08, I went for my 1st vehicle servicing when the mileage hit above 2000km. Wow, in a week time, that shows I'm driving quite pretty much daily.

There was once I spotted a friend hailing for a cab on the street but I did not manage to take her cos I'm with a passenger. I wonder will I get a chance to bump into her in future. Actually I do hope so. There's no doubt I still missing her.

I'm going to relax during the day & work all the way tonight till the next morning.

Oh ya, I've got b/d party & family 'dim sum' to attend this wkend. Got to cover as much earning I can today...

Airport

Have been getting trips to airport almost daily. T1/T2/T3/BT...

T1: BT, Garuda Air- Medan, SQ- Brisbane, Melbourne.
T2: PL/PL, SQ- Hong Kong, Bangkok, Melbourne, Auckland, Taipei, London, Tokyo.
T3: SO- Hong Kong, Shanghai.
BT: NIL.

I met nice, generous passenger, also 'niao' passenger. I'm a helpful driver with smile on me all the time. Even when they call me 'Uncle'...

Wkend is coming... yeah... why am I so happy when I've got to work?

Still Drive, Drive, Drive

I'm still driving most of the time. Passing time, earning income, meeting(listening) interesting people... Tired but enjoying it.

My new working hour during weekday: 0700-1200hrs & 1700-2200hrs.

I like the idea that I'm working for myself. If I'm hardworking, I earn more, whatever extra after cost is mine. If I think I had enough for the day, I can just 'knock off', go home spend time with my family. Unlike last time when working in a company. As a management/executive staff, you are not entitle to any OT. But you are always required to work extra. If boss is good, at least you enjoy it, but when boss 'SXXXS', you just feel like asking him to 'FXXX OFF'.

Now, I don't need to answer to anybody. I just need to be responsible for myself.

Drive, Drive, Drive

15/08/08 1330hrs: I received my new cab. 1st passenger Aunt Runhua.

Than prayer.

15/08/08 2130hrs: My 1st charging passenger to Serangoon $6.50/-.

16/08/08 0530hrs: End of my 1st day driving.

Zzzzz

16/08/08: 1500hrs-2300hrs.

Dinner

17/08/08: 0000hrs-1600hrs.

17/08/08: 1430hrs-0000hrs

Home... dinner... blogging...

That's how I spent my wkend working. (Hardworking right?) But I feel happy, I enjoy it.

There was this passenger to Senja Rd(somewhere in Bt Panjang). Than I travel the road down to Bt Batok & this passenger boarded at Bt Gombak mrt station to Sci ctr Omni theater. If in the past, I will be totally lost in that area. But that day, I'm so glad that I know where to turn, a better way to travel around to get my passenger to his destination. All thanks to her. I used to go around that area visiting with her. She thought me the way around there. Not all, but I manage to learn some. So I'm not so phobia in going to the West/North West area.

Once again I felt so glad that I'm blessed becos she was once in my life.

Happy & Excited

I'm feeling happy today. I'm excited as well. Tomorrow I'll be collecting my cab SHA2168L. Saying bye to my idle, relax, lazy life. Welcoming my new working life.

Was taking a bus home just now, I knew after today I'll not be taking bus again in the near future. I'll miss the feeling of riding. I can sit back & relax, enjoy my journey by looking out the window, at other road user, at the scenery, or the commuters. It was quite a interesting things to do. You see all kind of peoples, behaviours. I remember my colleague L once told me he enjoy taking bus or mrt. I never know what he mean till now.

Sold some rubbish in the room to the garang guni. I'm a step nearer to my room revamp. But no matter how nicely I do up the room, once step outside, i... what a mess... Don't think I'll ever go back to stay for long term as long as that mum still there. Likely I'll treat it as a resting place, but not a staying place. 'sign'

Dream about Bite

Weird dream. She biting me.

She likes to bite me with or w/o reason. Sometimes you can be prepared about it coming or she'll catch you off guarded totally. Is sure painful, sometimes left you with bruises. Sometimes I do express my slight anger, but most of the time I'll just let her get it her way. That's my way of pampering her.

2007- She went APB, Tiger brewery at Tuas on the usual company outing. I went steamboat with colleagues while waiting for her to be done than as usual drive home together. My colleague P was with me as his place was along the way to my house. I fetch her from the semi-circle, from a distance I can see the redness on her after she drank (that's her trademark whenever she drink). When she get in the car, wow, I can smell the strong liquor smell on her.

P: Wow, the liquor smell very strong, drink alot? You drunk?
S: No, I'm fine. Is usual for me to be so red if I drink. hehehe...
L: You ok. Is it fun?
S: Ok lor...

We all chat a bit on the way while I was driving. From the way she talk to P, she seems ok. She can speak properly, answer well to P.
Than after P alighted from my car. Before I can even drive out the car park.

S: Dear Dear 我的头很晕。I want to go home & sleep...
L: Ok ok, we are going home now, reaching very soon ok. You close your eyes & take a rest 1st... you sure can pretend very well hor...oouch....

Before I can continue or finish my sentence, she bitten me twice on my left arm. She continue to make noise till we reach home. Than I settle her to sleep. Best part of all, she deny about biting me the next morning, even when I show her the bruise on my arm. I just smile at her. That's my 宝贝。

人生的起点与终点都是一样，只是追求之间的过程。
用感恩的心去面对和接受人生，人生才会感觉到比较富有。

掌心

Was flipping thru the photos. I saw this photo, her hand & palm. Also our little handsome feet.

2006- In the beginning of our relationship, so madly & deeply in love. We just want to be with each other all the time. But I'm on shift work as a SO. Sometimes I'm roster to work from 8pm-8am. Becos we wanted to be with each other so much that most of the the time during night shift, I will not be in office till after midnight. Is such a drag to send her home or leave her to go work in the night.

Than there was this day I was schedule to work night as usual. My plan was to fetch her after work, go for dinner & send her home, than I'll go work. But the plan is so difficult to work it out. Always when is time, suppose to go home, we just can't bear to part. Than upon reaching CCK, somewhere near her house, she brought me(direct me the way) to this park facing the big drain at the neighbourhood. A nice place with shelter & sits. With plant & flowers. We sat there to talk & enjoy the quietness, closeness of each other. We felt so happy to be together. We were talking, than I took her hand, holding her hand, playing with her fingers. She continue to talk, while I started to draw & write some words on her palm. She didn't realise it till I asked her suddenly what did I just write on her palm. She was shocked & caught unexpectedly. "Hah, what did you write?" Than I smile & write the 3 words again, telling her to say it out to me. Guess wat, she actually just said it out w/o 2nd thought than realise that she was being tricked to say the 3 words to me. Is too late to realise, I was laughing.

When I reach office, it was around 1plus am. Than I gave her a surprise by waiting downstair the block at 7am, fetching her to work. I still remember the surprise look on her face when she saw me after she came out from the lift. Of course not forgetting the smile on her face.

人常常去想失去的，却没有去想拥有的。

人活在世界肯定会遇到问题，困难。遇到问题，困难不去解决，那才是真正的问题。

人只要活在世上就有问题，就要有烦恼。最主要是你怎么面对它，处理它。和你的问题，烦恼做朋友，了解它。

Eunos CC- Badminton

Sitting at the bench, while waiting for my niece at the CC, I remember I came here with her & friends to play badminton.

After badminton I went Aquarius to swim. While waiting for bus at the bus stop to go home, looking at Bedok reservoir on the opposite side, I remember I was there with her, accompanying her to jog. Well, I can't jog, so I borrow bicycle from sis. She jog, I cycle.

人的快乐，并不是因为他拥有的多，而是因为他计较的少。
不计较就自在，能放下烦恼，才能快乐。
人生如不知足，就永远活在烦恼中。

懂得感恩的人找到“平静”
懂得知足的人找到“快乐”
懂得放下的人找到“自由”
懂得珍惜的人找到“幸福”
懂得关怀的人找到“朋友”

学做一个人，学明一点理，学悟一点缘，学懂一颗心。
学会满足，才会心满意足。
不懂的满足，就是不了解幸福。

输了不等于零，最重要的是赢得了一个过程。

I went home to tidy & clean my room. Not becos I have gotten over her. There's not a single day that I don't miss her. But life got to go on. Becos I miss her, I thank God that I once had her in my life to shower me with love & happiness. Given me the memories in my life, in my heart to remember her.

Running away from reality is not going to solve the problem.
Avoiding it doesn't make my life easier.
Only when I can face it, handle it, deal with it, than my life can go on.

National Day & Fire Work

Last year, we were with friends dinner at Far East Shopping Centre, than we proceed to Mandarin hotel 'Top of the M" to have a drink & watch the fire work as well. I remember we took photos & video, but I don't know where is it now.

This year, I was with family at home watching NDP on TV, than order pizza for dinner, of course not forgetting the fire work. I'm also proud to be a Singaporean.

I've watch the most fire works with her when we are together. But the best I've ever seen was during CNY 2002 in HK, with another her P. Still remember on the roof of the hotel, by the swimming pool, winter night.

I remember lots of thing with them. Wonderful memories. Unforgetable moments. I treasure all these experience with them, so I will not forget them.

What ever you do, where ever you are, I wish you all the best. Happy National Day. Enjoy...

这个世界没有一个人会毫无理由，故意去伤害他爱的人。

Proud

You watch the Beijing Olympic 2008 Grand opening ceremony?
Ya, I did. (speechless) China & Chinese are incredible nation & people.

I'm so proud that I'm a Chinese... maybe not totally of pure 100% chinese blood... I'm so glad that I had most of the chinese blood flowing in my body, in my family, in my generation. (if you don't know what I'm trying to say, go watch the ceremony, you will sure understand).
I knew some friend seems ashame of them being a Chinese. They try to act or look like they are "Ang Moh". If they really can't pass off as "ang moh", they will try to be mixed- A Eurasian. Than when above all failed, they will become "ABC/BBC/EBC". They want to be any "C" except for being "CBC" China born Chinese.
Whenever I'm being asked whether am I a chinese or not, I tell them proudly I'm a Chinese. Only to explain or elaborate when they said I don't really look like one.

I once had a Malaysian Chinese friend N, this is what happened:
L: Let me introduce, my friend/colleague, N. This is my best friend, D"
D to N: Hi, nice to meet you.
N to D: Hallo...
Than D & N started to chat for a bit before dinner start.
After dinner, after N left, D stayed back to continue to have a drink with me.
D: You had a very 'funny' & 'cute' friend.
L: Why you say so.
D: Whether you are local or not we can tell when the person speak or thru action.
I nodded my head in agreement, sipping my drink at the same time.
D: I guess N was a Malaysian, but i just want to confirm it. So I asked N you are not a local right?
N: Oh, I'm a foreigner. (I was choked & spit out the drink I just drank, starting to laugh out loud)
D: Ok, so where are you from? (D was trying to be naughty)
N: I left my country to work here many years ago...
D: Which country? (D is not going to give up)
N: (Reluctantly & soft & quick) malaysia.
D: oic...
L: (Still laughing) Ya, N is a foreigner, N is not lying...
D: I just want to disturb N...
We laugh... hahaha

选择

I read about this:

在对的时间，遇见对的人，是一种幸福。
在对的时间，遇见错的人，是一种无奈。
在错的时间，遇见对的人，是一种悲伤。
在错的时间，遇见错的人，是一种折磨。

如果你不爱一个人，请放手，好让别人有机会爱他。
如果你爱的人放弃了你，请放开自己，好让自己有机会爱别人。
有的东西你再喜欢也不会属于你。
有的东西你再留恋也注定要放弃。
对别人好，要对自己更好。

我体会到了，明白了。

我们的眼泪，曾经让对方痛彻心扉，也让对方大彻大悟。
曾经，我用眼泪来思念他。
现在，想到他，我脸上会有笑容。
我不要用眼泪流着他在心中。
我会用笑容去祝福他，希望他快乐。
要让自己继续活在悲伤当中，还是决定走出来，迎接新生活与快乐？
选择是自己的：眼泪或笑容，悲伤或快乐。

人生不须等到生活完美无缺，才懂得享受生命中最美好的。
人生不必等到生活完美无瑕，才懂得享受生命中最甜美的。
要知足才会有长乐。

Ruldolf

7:20am: I heard *him choking, burp than 'woo..orp...' he vomitted on the bed, inches away from where i'm lying. A lump of disgusting brown object...'yack'

7:30am: I came out of the room after clearing up the mess he created, totally awake. wondering when was the last time i woke up so early... can't remember... but i remember if we need to work, she'll be awake at this hour if staying at my place. She'll be out of the house if she's at CCK.

The thought of her always left a smile on my face. Not much of the sorrow & sorry feeling of losing her, but more of the gladness that I once have her & her love in my life. At least better than nothing. I'm thankful that she had given me lots of happy memories to remember day to day.

*Him= Ruldolf, the one in the pic.

Gene

It seems like is running in the gene of the family. my family people tends to give up easily. early morning i was awake by 4th sis call. *mum was staying at her place but she suddenly refuse to eat or drink much since sunday morning till now. than our younger sis attempted suicide by cutting her wrist last night. fortunately she was discovered by her son, than 2nd sis rushed her to hospital & save her in time(我们廖家人的命都很硬噢）. so i drop by to visit mum. mum was saying words showing sign of depress. i feel weird i had to say words of concern & encouragement towards mum cos i'm not close to her, in fact very distance about her.
Than i went to swim. what a nice, good, weather to relax. Putting everything behind, not to think about it for a moment, just concentrate on my laps.
I told my therapist i'm not going to avoid facing my fear, my lost. I will face everything that remind me of her. Becos i need to know, i need to learn how to face it, handle it & overcome it. only when i can face it & control it, than i'm going towards the direction of recovering. or else what's going to happen if i've got no choice but to face everything that remind me of her... allow myself to crash again? no. if i can lead a life being able to sleep & eat well, feeling ok even when i think of her & the past, than i have succeed. so far, i'm so good.
*mum= biological mum, not that woman.

Soup

I'm not a soup person since young. Grandma always said i'm a person w/o 人情味cos i don't drink soup. Don't understand why soup & 人情味will link together? Now i started to drink soup, i don't know whether it may me a person with more 人情味or not, but it certainly make me feel better cos I'm drinking home cook soup. Aunt will tends to cook soup during weekend. whenever i take the soup, it gave me the feeling of home, the warmth of a family. Aunt, thank you.
If i'm still staying at ubi, with *that woman, i don't think i'll ever feel this way...'HOME'. Than I remember when S still around, occassionally she will cook some soup, herbal soup for me or us.
I remember there's once when we are watching this tv show, than there is this dish showing on tv, she told me happily & excitedly-
S: "I know how to cook it".
L: "sure or not, than you cook for me one of this day ok".
S: "can but i don't know it taste good or not cos i never cook before".
L: "but i thought you just told me you know how to cook it, than how come you never cook before????".
S: "I know how to cook as in I saw the person show how to cook it on tv before, so i know how to cook lor".
L: "orh.........ok......"
That was my 宝贝。:p
I miss her & her sense of humour.

*That woman= mum, not her S.

Chinese 7th month

Today 1st day of "Ghost Month". went home to pray just like the past 2yrs. To ask for peace & protection during this month. 农历七月，祈求“好兄弟”保佑家人与朋友，自己，平平安安，顺顺顺利利，身体健康。Not that i'm superstitious, just want to have a peace of mind. I'm not so worried about myself, but more for the people surrounding me.

I meet up with 4th bro for dinner. the last time i saw him & dinner with him was at our niece wedding dinner jan 2007. i almost couldn't recognise my bro cos he's botak. i mean really clean shave head. can see the shine on the head. i wanted to ask him whether he polish his head or not? than he told me he shave it becos he's dropping hair. i think this is one of the 男人痛, betther don't ask such sensitive question. when i went home, i look at myself in the mirror, i look ok from the front, from the top, but... the back... 'sign'... see for it yourself.

Life is so fragile,unpredictable

Feeling blue... my cousin lost 2 person she knew in a day. Her brother-in-law & best friend father. 1 was 30+, 1 was 70+, both were sick. i remember the last time someone related to me passed on was in 7/11/2003- my dad, also due to sickness. He was 76, if i didn't remember wrongly. i'm not close to my blood line family, but i love my dad more than my mum. I used to go back JB for family gathering when dad was still around, but not anymore since after he's gone. whenever the news of someone died, whether related to me directly or indirectly, i'll be affected by it. it will brings back the memory, the hurt of losing them. both grandma, nanny, xiuwei. LIFE, there are people who tried very hard to live, but failed. there are also people who tried very to die, but failed as well (i'm one of them in the past not long ago- 1mth back) 我的命很硬哦。所以想我早死的人，可以慢慢等，可能你死了我都还没死。now i know, for the sake of people who love me & i love, i'll keep my life going on. 我会活的很好。我会找回自信和快乐的笑容。just like the charming me in the photo. hahaha...

Remember

Someone told me this today: "You can't forget your past cos we are human being, not robot. we can't just delete it from our brain like how we did it with computer. we will remember it cos is in our mind, is our memories. But we can't dwell onto it forever. what to do? we remember it, carry it in our life, but we make good use of it. remember it as a lesson learn, to remind us not to repeat our mistake again. many people will tell you to forget about it, but i tell you is not possible. so i can only advice you, remember it, bring it together with you & make good use of it. who knows, the next one is better. don't do anthing foolish & impulsive again. I hope I won't see you again." Thanks for the advice. Thanks for the chance. I won't want to see you again as well. I'll make good use of it to be a better person.

吃饭“吃”出个性

有些人吃饭是为了活着，有些人是活着只为了吃饭。吃饭习惯透露一个人的个性：

1）边做事边吃饭- 可爱工作狂。这样的人生活节奏很快，因为他们有很多的事情要做，所以比较忙碌。但是这样的人并不会为了忙碌而烦恼，他们甚至还觉得很有满足感，他们在工作中找到生活的乐趣，他们通常是比较可爱的工作狂。

2）边看资料边吃饭- 有野心。他们的时间表总是排得满满的，为了能够做更多事，他们不得不挤出时间。这样的人不一定是工作狂，但他们通常比较有野心，而且有具体的计划来实现自己的梦想，他们有积极向上的乐观精神，也会努力把想法付诸实践。

3）边看电视边吃饭- 内心孤独。这样的人多数是内心比较孤独的，电视发出的声音能消除他们内心的孤独。

My choice is 3. What about you? ya deep down inside me i'm a lonely person. even when i'm not eating, as long as i'm alone, i must have the tv or music on to accompany me. think about it, when i'm with someone, i do that as well. guess quietness not only make me feel lonely, it also makes me feel insecure. so i must have some noise around me to calm me down. so when i'm driving, working on my desk, eating, reading, tv or music is always there with me. to divert away the feeling of loneliness & insecurity.

Hospital

Since the beginning of this year i've been a regular with the hospital. be it a admission or follow-up checkup/appointment, i need to visit the hospital monthly. thank god my doctor & therapist was not a dirty old man nor ugly old woman thus making my trip there quite pleasant. Right now i'm taking a break from work, so i idle at home daily, just relax myself. i estiamte i have another 2-3weeks before i'll start work again. i'm nothing but a couch potato. looking at the calendar, i need to go hospital for review again next week on 2 of the week day. than i remember i have not went for my pre blood test before i see the doctor again. when i was driving in the past, i used to drive from destination to destination. i will not drop by any place unless i need to get anything or something. now i'll walk around since i'm taking bus or mrt. i heed doctor advice to stop drinking, even smoking. i start to do some sports, i spend most of my leisure time with a dog. i spend time catching up with my family, friends. i'm spending a quality time of my life even i seems not doing anything everyday. i'm enjoying the peace within my heart.

Friends

i'm blessed with this 3 friends in my 36yrs of life. we know each other since primary scool till now, is been 30yrs. there's up & down, happy & sad, together & apart, i'm so glad that i've known them. thank you for being there for me regardless what had happened, regardless who i am, what i have done or where have i been. take it or leave it, we are going be friends in this life no matter what happen & i'm going to make it last. i will not disappoint you gals again. i'll not let go of my life again just like how you gals have hold on to me all the while. thank you very much.

爱

爱上一个人，未必要看见这个人。爱上一个人，未必可抱紧这个人。要放开一个人，浪漫过拥抱这个人。永远爱一个人，亦容易过不爱这个人。回忆总算美丽，快乐时曾后悔吗？我爱上一片云，但未必拥有这片云。想不到你绝望的泪水，一刹那让我大彻大悟。如果我们不曾看过对方怎么哭，如何知道快乐一转身就是痛苦。如果我们不曾走过感情这条路，如何知道心魔是最沉重的包袱。年少轻狂的好日子，一懂事就结束。直到我们都不愿回顾，连仅有的恨都麻木，也毫不在乎赢和输，我才知道该重新上路，接受命运的新任务，我才明白，感情不是为了征服。真正的爱情不只是讲浪漫气氛；真正的爱情是接受，接受以前的对方，现在的对方和将来的对方。无论他以前是怎样，现在或将来是怎样。快乐的人不一定要最好的，快乐的人是把他所拥有的都看成是最好的。

Aquarius by the park

healthy activity today. i went for a swim & visited my mum at sis place. the last time i saw mum was about 2yrs back. mum is 72, getting weak as i can see. i came from big family. should spend some time for them as well. i'm too busy & engorss with work & my relationship in the past. than using tired as excuse, i hardly engage into any activities except for lazing around home. life must be hard & boring for her. she's a very active person. read an article about horoscope, i think it really best describe her character. she must be very happy now. i'm happy for her too. i wish i have given her all these happiness earlier. is time i keep myself fit & healthy again. i'm recovering & i want to be better. i wish her, her family, my family, my friend healthy & happy.

Plan

Since i've got time before i start my new job, apart from clearing leave i've not been back office as well. i'm just not interested in involving or facing the power struggle by the managers in the management. i don't even pick up calls when they call me except for call from J. i told her frankly i don't want to waste time talking to those managers. the fact is i'm leaving & i'm not afraid to offend them. but SF had given me the opportunity to excel & prove my ability. so i still thank the boss. afterall MD treated me very well. so i'm not & will not answer to anybody except to the See family people. i decided to start my swimming again. well, swimming is a sports or exercise that you don't need a companion to do it. is good for my spine. i think i'll look better & healthier to be tanned. for the past 2 friday i had been helping my friend ping in her cafe. never imagine myself to have such chance to spend time or help my friend. i was so busy with my work, my own life, myself, that i had actually missed out so much quality time & moment with family & friends. life shouldn't be only me & myself, my need, what i want. life is about what i share with them or give them.

My Room, My Office

Is been months that i'm not staying home in the room we used to share our life. i'm not sure when i'll be ready to go back to face the room & stay in it again. Nothing changes. the bedsheet, the towel, the bottle of drink, my feeling for her. i can't even bring myself to wash the shirt that i wore hugging her the last time... i can't bring myself to wear the shirt she wash & iron for me for the last time. i can't even bring myself to go back to my office to work cos it will remind me of her. i don't see the need to achieve, to excel in my career anymore. i tender my resignation. but boss told me he will take me on no pay leave. i can go back anytime, as long as i'm ready, whenever i'm ready to. it must be very painful for her to make the decision to leave me. but i left her with no choice. 他爱的人却伤他最深。本来应该给他幸福的人却只给了他恶梦。我怎么这么笨？why & how can i make such horrible mistake? i miss her but i doubt i have the courage or dare to see/face her again even if she's willing to see me again. i don't know how to face the hurt i've brought her in her life. so just keep it this way that she doesn't want to see me again as long as she's happy. that's the least i can give her or do for her now- stay away from her.

If she ever see it...

if she ever see my blog, she'll be surprise to see the photo. cause she deleted it from my pc. she's a IT officer, we are together for 2 yrs, more or less i learn some pc knowledge from her. i manage to retrieve it. am i very bad. i'm suppose to let go, why do i still take the trouble to retrieve it? friends ask/advice me to remove all her pics, i do so, but so what? she's still in my heart. is easy to remove whatever i can see or touch, is the heart that's difficult to take her away... at least at this moment i'm still not able to. maybe it takes time, maybe she'll always hold a special place in m heart cos she's really special in my life. she... let me learn, let me grow, let me change. i never know what is love till she left. sad to say that but i'm glad that i once have her in my life & her love. i'm sorry that i've hurt you so deeply.

A year ago today

15/7/2007

was coming back from holiday in shanghai with her. we tried so hard to salvage the relationship. we had such good & wonderful time there. we really enjoy ourselve. beautiful memories i'll always remember. a year later today, i have lost her. she's still in my heart, on my mind. but coping well with losing her. if her happiness is me leaving her, i'm giving it to her now. if loving her is to set her free, I love her.

Sleep

Sleep... falling asleep... sleeping... for 6mths i haven't been sleeping well, I can never get to sleep w/o medication. but now i'm beginning to fall asleep. than i know i'm finding peace in my life, in my heart. i'm letting go the burden i've been carrying slowly. come to think about it, thought i'm not sleeping, i'm living in a dream of my own. so should i sleep or awake? physically i need to sleep, emotionally i need to awake.