Life is so fragile,unpredictable

Feeling blue... my cousin lost 2 person she knew in a day. Her brother-in-law & best friend father. 1 was 30+, 1 was 70+, both were sick. i remember the last time someone related to me passed on was in 7/11/2003- my dad, also due to sickness. He was 76, if i didn't remember wrongly. i'm not close to my blood line family, but i love my dad more than my mum. I used to go back JB for family gathering when dad was still around, but not anymore since after he's gone. whenever the news of someone died, whether related to me directly or indirectly, i'll be affected by it. it will brings back the memory, the hurt of losing them. both grandma, nanny, xiuwei. LIFE, there are people who tried very hard to live, but failed. there are also people who tried very to die, but failed as well (i'm one of them in the past not long ago- 1mth back) 我的命很硬哦。所以想我早死的人，可以慢慢等，可能你死了我都还没死。now i know, for the sake of people who love me & i love, i'll keep my life going on. 我会活的很好。我会找回自信和快乐的笑容。just like the charming me in the photo. hahaha...

Remember

Someone told me this today: "You can't forget your past cos we are human being, not robot. we can't just delete it from our brain like how we did it with computer. we will remember it cos is in our mind, is our memories. But we can't dwell onto it forever. what to do? we remember it, carry it in our life, but we make good use of it. remember it as a lesson learn, to remind us not to repeat our mistake again. many people will tell you to forget about it, but i tell you is not possible. so i can only advice you, remember it, bring it together with you & make good use of it. who knows, the next one is better. don't do anthing foolish & impulsive again. I hope I won't see you again." Thanks for the advice. Thanks for the chance. I won't want to see you again as well. I'll make good use of it to be a better person.

吃饭“吃”出个性

有些人吃饭是为了活着，有些人是活着只为了吃饭。吃饭习惯透露一个人的个性：

1）边做事边吃饭- 可爱工作狂。这样的人生活节奏很快，因为他们有很多的事情要做，所以比较忙碌。但是这样的人并不会为了忙碌而烦恼，他们甚至还觉得很有满足感，他们在工作中找到生活的乐趣，他们通常是比较可爱的工作狂。

2）边看资料边吃饭- 有野心。他们的时间表总是排得满满的，为了能够做更多事，他们不得不挤出时间。这样的人不一定是工作狂，但他们通常比较有野心，而且有具体的计划来实现自己的梦想，他们有积极向上的乐观精神，也会努力把想法付诸实践。

3）边看电视边吃饭- 内心孤独。这样的人多数是内心比较孤独的，电视发出的声音能消除他们内心的孤独。

My choice is 3. What about you? ya deep down inside me i'm a lonely person. even when i'm not eating, as long as i'm alone, i must have the tv or music on to accompany me. think about it, when i'm with someone, i do that as well. guess quietness not only make me feel lonely, it also makes me feel insecure. so i must have some noise around me to calm me down. so when i'm driving, working on my desk, eating, reading, tv or music is always there with me. to divert away the feeling of loneliness & insecurity.

Hospital

Since the beginning of this year i've been a regular with the hospital. be it a admission or follow-up checkup/appointment, i need to visit the hospital monthly. thank god my doctor & therapist was not a dirty old man nor ugly old woman thus making my trip there quite pleasant. Right now i'm taking a break from work, so i idle at home daily, just relax myself. i estiamte i have another 2-3weeks before i'll start work again. i'm nothing but a couch potato. looking at the calendar, i need to go hospital for review again next week on 2 of the week day. than i remember i have not went for my pre blood test before i see the doctor again. when i was driving in the past, i used to drive from destination to destination. i will not drop by any place unless i need to get anything or something. now i'll walk around since i'm taking bus or mrt. i heed doctor advice to stop drinking, even smoking. i start to do some sports, i spend most of my leisure time with a dog. i spend time catching up with my family, friends. i'm spending a quality time of my life even i seems not doing anything everyday. i'm enjoying the peace within my heart.

Friends

i'm blessed with this 3 friends in my 36yrs of life. we know each other since primary scool till now, is been 30yrs. there's up & down, happy & sad, together & apart, i'm so glad that i've known them. thank you for being there for me regardless what had happened, regardless who i am, what i have done or where have i been. take it or leave it, we are going be friends in this life no matter what happen & i'm going to make it last. i will not disappoint you gals again. i'll not let go of my life again just like how you gals have hold on to me all the while. thank you very much.

爱

爱上一个人，未必要看见这个人。爱上一个人，未必可抱紧这个人。要放开一个人，浪漫过拥抱这个人。永远爱一个人，亦容易过不爱这个人。回忆总算美丽，快乐时曾后悔吗？我爱上一片云，但未必拥有这片云。想不到你绝望的泪水，一刹那让我大彻大悟。如果我们不曾看过对方怎么哭，如何知道快乐一转身就是痛苦。如果我们不曾走过感情这条路，如何知道心魔是最沉重的包袱。年少轻狂的好日子，一懂事就结束。直到我们都不愿回顾，连仅有的恨都麻木，也毫不在乎赢和输，我才知道该重新上路，接受命运的新任务，我才明白，感情不是为了征服。真正的爱情不只是讲浪漫气氛；真正的爱情是接受，接受以前的对方，现在的对方和将来的对方。无论他以前是怎样，现在或将来是怎样。快乐的人不一定要最好的，快乐的人是把他所拥有的都看成是最好的。

Aquarius by the park

healthy activity today. i went for a swim & visited my mum at sis place. the last time i saw mum was about 2yrs back. mum is 72, getting weak as i can see. i came from big family. should spend some time for them as well. i'm too busy & engorss with work & my relationship in the past. than using tired as excuse, i hardly engage into any activities except for lazing around home. life must be hard & boring for her. she's a very active person. read an article about horoscope, i think it really best describe her character. she must be very happy now. i'm happy for her too. i wish i have given her all these happiness earlier. is time i keep myself fit & healthy again. i'm recovering & i want to be better. i wish her, her family, my family, my friend healthy & happy.

Plan

Since i've got time before i start my new job, apart from clearing leave i've not been back office as well. i'm just not interested in involving or facing the power struggle by the managers in the management. i don't even pick up calls when they call me except for call from J. i told her frankly i don't want to waste time talking to those managers. the fact is i'm leaving & i'm not afraid to offend them. but SF had given me the opportunity to excel & prove my ability. so i still thank the boss. afterall MD treated me very well. so i'm not & will not answer to anybody except to the See family people. i decided to start my swimming again. well, swimming is a sports or exercise that you don't need a companion to do it. is good for my spine. i think i'll look better & healthier to be tanned. for the past 2 friday i had been helping my friend ping in her cafe. never imagine myself to have such chance to spend time or help my friend. i was so busy with my work, my own life, myself, that i had actually missed out so much quality time & moment with family & friends. life shouldn't be only me & myself, my need, what i want. life is about what i share with them or give them.

My Room, My Office

Is been months that i'm not staying home in the room we used to share our life. i'm not sure when i'll be ready to go back to face the room & stay in it again. Nothing changes. the bedsheet, the towel, the bottle of drink, my feeling for her. i can't even bring myself to wash the shirt that i wore hugging her the last time... i can't bring myself to wear the shirt she wash & iron for me for the last time. i can't even bring myself to go back to my office to work cos it will remind me of her. i don't see the need to achieve, to excel in my career anymore. i tender my resignation. but boss told me he will take me on no pay leave. i can go back anytime, as long as i'm ready, whenever i'm ready to. it must be very painful for her to make the decision to leave me. but i left her with no choice. 他爱的人却伤他最深。本来应该给他幸福的人却只给了他恶梦。我怎么这么笨？why & how can i make such horrible mistake? i miss her but i doubt i have the courage or dare to see/face her again even if she's willing to see me again. i don't know how to face the hurt i've brought her in her life. so just keep it this way that she doesn't want to see me again as long as she's happy. that's the least i can give her or do for her now- stay away from her.

If she ever see it...

if she ever see my blog, she'll be surprise to see the photo. cause she deleted it from my pc. she's a IT officer, we are together for 2 yrs, more or less i learn some pc knowledge from her. i manage to retrieve it. am i very bad. i'm suppose to let go, why do i still take the trouble to retrieve it? friends ask/advice me to remove all her pics, i do so, but so what? she's still in my heart. is easy to remove whatever i can see or touch, is the heart that's difficult to take her away... at least at this moment i'm still not able to. maybe it takes time, maybe she'll always hold a special place in m heart cos she's really special in my life. she... let me learn, let me grow, let me change. i never know what is love till she left. sad to say that but i'm glad that i once have her in my life & her love. i'm sorry that i've hurt you so deeply.

A year ago today

15/7/2007

was coming back from holiday in shanghai with her. we tried so hard to salvage the relationship. we had such good & wonderful time there. we really enjoy ourselve. beautiful memories i'll always remember. a year later today, i have lost her. she's still in my heart, on my mind. but coping well with losing her. if her happiness is me leaving her, i'm giving it to her now. if loving her is to set her free, I love her.

Sleep

Sleep... falling asleep... sleeping... for 6mths i haven't been sleeping well, I can never get to sleep w/o medication. but now i'm beginning to fall asleep. than i know i'm finding peace in my life, in my heart. i'm letting go the burden i've been carrying slowly. come to think about it, thought i'm not sleeping, i'm living in a dream of my own. so should i sleep or awake? physically i need to sleep, emotionally i need to awake.